Tuesday, 17 May 2011
A REVIEW OF THAT FILM TOTAL RECALL
AS REVIEWED BY TERRANCE CALCIUM.
I remember watching this film called total recall. And it was dead good.
It had loads of stuff going about mars and mutants and this bird with three norks. Oh and a dwarf whore with a... just remembered that bit.
It also had the terminator in it and he was alright. And this bird with big hair and, but she didn’t get her lady garden out in this film, so if that is what yer after – stay clear, although she does wear a rather fetching leotard at the beginning. the dirty bitch.
Anyway. The film is about this massive muscular guy called Arnie, who wants to go on holiday but cant afford it, so he goes to this place that has got a computer that hypnotises some memories into your head for only 3000 credits (which can’t be lot ‘cos he only works as a miscellaneous rock breaker) so anyway, off he pops into the room to have the memory of a spy on mars put in his head when.. oh no... it all goes a bit tits up and it turns out that HE IS A SPY and he’s been undercover all this time.
Blow me, I thought as I watched it, his wife’s a bloody spy but for the other side – the baddies, then it turns out Arnie is a baddie – but a different kind of baddies who wants to come good and sort shit out and there’s a guy who after him and it gets even nuttier then.
The guy out of predator flies off to mars somehow (I went for a piss at that bit so not sure how he got there) and causes a right farce at the security gate.
A load of fisticuffs later – the big baddie, turns off all the oxygen and everyone , all the three breasted hookers and mind reading weirdos start to die.
In pops theto save the day by jump starting a massive reactor left by some aliens for some reason that’s not really touched upon, and the big machine turns all the ice into breathable air with only seconds left to spare.
The film ends with the taller one off of twins the movie kissing some bird before he wakes up, ‘cos he’s not sure if he’s dreaming.
He was dreaming.
All in all I give it two and a half boobs out of three.