Total Recall

A REVIEW OF THAT FILM TOTAL RECALL

AS REVIEWED BY TERRANCE CALCIUM.

I remember watching this film called total recall. And it was dead good.

 It had loads of stuff going about mars and mutants and this bird with three norks. Oh and a dwarf whore with a big gun... just remembered that bit.

It also had the terminator in it and he was alright. And this bird with big hair and Sharon stone, but she didn’t get her lady garden out in this film, so if that is what yer after – stay clear, although she does wear a rather fetching leotard at the beginning. the dirty bitch.

Anyway. The film is about this massive muscular guy called Arnie, who wants to go on holiday but cant afford it, so he goes to this place that has got a computer that hypnotises some memories into your head for only 3000 credits (which can’t be lot ‘cos he only works as a miscellaneous rock breaker) so anyway, off he pops into the room to have the memory of a spy on mars put in his head when.. oh no... it all goes a bit tits up and it turns out that HE IS A SPY and he’s been undercover all this time.

Blow me, I thought as I watched it, his wife’s a bloody spy but for the other side – the baddies, then it turns out Arnie is a baddie – but a different kind of baddies who wants to come good and sort shit out and there’s a guy who after him and it gets even nuttier then.

The guy out of predator flies off to mars somehow (I went for a piss at that bit so not sure how he got there) and causes a right farce at the security gate.

A load of fisticuffs later – the big baddie, turns off all the oxygen and everyone , all the three breasted hookers and mind reading weirdos start to die.

In pops the kindergarten cop to save the day by jump starting a massive reactor left by some aliens for some reason that’s not really touched upon, and the big machine turns all the ice into breathable air with only seconds left to spare.

The film ends with the taller one off of twins the movie kissing some bird before he wakes up, ‘cos he’s not sure if he’s dreaming.

He was dreaming.

All in all I give it two and a half boobs out of three.

Thor

By Ed Tensoys

Yeah, I took me lad to see this film.  I tend to see him every other weekend, a couple o' days after I get me Unemployment.  If I've any money left I'll ask him if he wants to do owt, like and this time I 'ad just enough wedge left to watch a talky.

Any road, it starts of wi' these two pieces and a fella out in the desert, like.  Then it goes to like this barmy magic town and Tony 'opkins is there like, givin' it that.  Then I went to the foyer but they don't sell ale any more in't pictures so I kicked off din't I?  Anyroad, the manager said he'd leave it if I just got me lad and left.  I told 'im to ring the fookin' bobbies but then someone come out the screen we were in and said me lad was cryin' 'cause 'e'd come to look for me 'cause 'e din't want me to miss owt and seen me arguing with the staff and heard the police were coming.

Well, I went back in and found the soft cunt and while we was leaving there was a bit in the film where this big big fucker were kickin' off wi' this bird in a typhoon or summat:- She musta given 'im a bit o' lip, like.

Anyway, I kicked off a bit more and got me money back and that bloody lad o' mine even got some free sweets out of it.  Mind you 'e were still quiet for the rest of the day.

So in conclusion, me lad got some free toffee, we saw a bit of this film and killed 'alf an hour!  There were no drink involved mind so for that I give 'For' four ring pulls out of five.